Damn you Jareth!
by The Mr. President
Summary: This is what Sarah might have said whilst Jareth was singing to her. WARNING: Sarah appears much more witty and mean to Jareth than usual. Also, makes many snide comments.
1. Default Chapter

All italics are Jareth singing from the song 'Within You' by David Bowie. So no, I did not make up the lyrics. I just made up the snide comments Sarah might say if she was much much much more sarcastic and wasn't so distracted with running after Toby and actually replied to Jareth's singing.

I know the structure of this story is rather strange but...well...too late now anyway.

Please do not be offended by this fan fiction. It is meant to be funny. I don't mean to make Sarah mean and sarcastic (ok maybe I did)….it's just think it would be quite funny if she was.

Feel free to review but if you are just going to be mean about this fan fiction, please don't review me. As I will poke you with my pokey stick.

(Gets out pokey stick and waves it around in a menacing manner.)

But if you do review me nicely, I will let Jareth out of his cage in my room (and no he did not appreciate being kidnapped very much) so that he can go off and kidnap you all to the Labyrinth. Sorry I have to go off and feed Jareth some peaches now. Bye!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, other than the snide comments of Sarah. Absolutely everything else is not mine..Sadly.

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_How you turned my world, you precious thing_

**Sarah **'I think we'll find it's you who has turned the world. Seeing as you made this weird Escher room so strange with all the stairs everywhere….'

_You starve and near exhaust me_

**Sarah **'Ok first of all, if you're so hungry why don't you just go and eat something then? And second, the only reason you're exhausted is due to all your running about the stairs. Though personally, I also think you're rather unfit. A trip or two to the gymn would do you wonders.'

_Everything I've done, I've done for you_

**Sarah **'Oh and what did you do again? First you kidnapped me, then you dropped me in an oubliette, then you tried to drop me in the bog of eternal stench, then you sent all your goblins and a huge massive robot to kill me and all my friends. Oh yeah, and you also gave me a peach which made me loose all my memory. How charming of you!'

_I move the stars for no one_

**Sarah **'That's just cause you're to darn lazy!'

_You've run so long  
You've run so far_

**Sarah **'Thanks to you! Why did you have to make the Labyrinth so long? And why couldn't you make this room like a normal one!'

_Your eyes can be so cruel_

**Sarah **'You deserve it.'

_Just as I can be so cruel_

**Sarah **'Tell me about it.'

_Though I do believe in you_

**Sarah **'Yeah right (Rolls her eyes)'

_Yes I do_

**Sarah **'What exactly do you mean that you "believe in" me? What do you think I am? The Easter Bunny? I can't exactly be pretend, can I?'

_Live without the sunlight_

**Sarah **'Why don't you just put a few more windows in this gloomy place then?'

_Love without your heartbeat_

**Sarah **'Don't think a few last minute compliments are going to get you into my good books!'

_I, I can't live within you_

**Sarah **'(Edges away from Jareth looking scared) That sounds really weird.'

_I can't live within you_

**Sarah **'Stop saying that Jareth! It's creeping me out….'

_I, I can't live within you_

(Sarah runs off even faster to go find her litte brother Toby...)

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Please don't bite me! I hope you don't hate me for writing this fan fic. Again, it was meant to be funny. And I am very very very very very sorry if it is not. It's the trying that counts, right? 

And I don't actually think Jareth is unfit. Again, I just thought it might be funny if Sarah thought he was. Please review if you have any constructive criticism or nice comments! If you have mean ones, I would prefer it if you just emailed me them (can see it on my profile). So I wont get over excited when I get a review, only to find it's a mean one. (I know that I sound very pesimistic and paranoid etc. but it is just because I recently got a bunch of mean reviews for one of my supposed to be funny Phantom of the Opera stories which later got deleted.)

P.S I am very sorry for my shameful spelling of 'rolls' (previously 'roles'.) Thanks for pointing it out. I was obviously just thinking about food to much...


	2. Magic Dance

I know I haven't written anything for a zillion years but I thought I should write up this. Even though I say it myself, I think this chapter is better than the other. Even though it's sort of more Jareth bashing. I hope you guys don't mind too much! I love Jareth really. It's just fun to make fun of people.

Note: I do not own the words off Labyrinth but I do own the ones not off Labyrinth...Ok, well technically I think the dictionary people own the actual words, but I own the phrases. Unless someone has already copyrighted them. Which in that case, I own nothing. Nothing. Tra la la.

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Sarah suddenly lands in the middle of the Goblin court, just before Jareth bursts into song. 

**Sarah **(Angrily) What on earth am I doing her?

**Jareth **Uhh…I dunno. Wanna hear a song?

Sarah: Err….Ok.

Sarah storms off and goes and sits down on the steps of the Goblin Court. The goblins run around quickly getting into place for the song. Jareth turns around and starts sings to a Goblin (slightly odd I know). Why he does this in the film I'll never know.

**Jareth** You remind me of the baby

**Sarah** What are you on? HE'S A GOBLIN FOR GOODNESS SAKE'S! HE'S GREEN AND UGLY! HOW DOES HE REMIND YOU OF A BABY

**Goblin** What baby?

**Jareth** (Ignoring Sarah's outburst) Baby with the power

**Sarah** Power? Power to do what? Poop in his diaper?

Some of the goblins snigger at Jareth but he valiantly ignores them and tries to continue with his song.

**Goblin** What power?

**Jareth **Power of voodoo

Sarah: Oh yeh right…you should see his voodoo dances. They're really great. NOT! HE CANT EVEN WALK YET! HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO VOODOO?

**Goblin** Who do?

**Jareth** You do

**Sarah** Kung foo….sorry. I just felt like rhyming.

**Goblin** Do what? Jareth: Remind me of the baby

**Sarah** (mutters under breath) Imbecile…. I think all the hair spray on his mullet has affected his brain.

**Jareth** I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry

**Sarah** Hmmm, I wonder why…MAYBE BECAUSE SOME JERK WEARING A CLOAK AND TIGHTS KIDNAPPED HIM?

**Jareth** What could I do?

Sarah: How about give him back you stupid son of a-

(**Author Note**: If anyone asks, Sarah was about to say "person".)

**Jareth** (interrupts and starts singing louder) My baby's love had gone  
And left my baby blue

**Sarah** The only reason I went away is cause you stuck me in this stupid maze! Which, by the way, sucks.

**Jareth** Nobody knew

**Jareth** What kind of magic spell to use  
**Goblin** Slime and snails  
**Goblin** Or puppy dogs' tails  
**Goblin** Thunder or lightning

**Sarah** Two complaints. A) How would some "magical" spell help to shut up my crying baby brother? Did you even think about feeding him? Or changing his diaper? B) What does slime snails or any of the rest of that junk have to do with magic spells?

**Jareth** Then baby said

Sarah: HE CAN'T EVEN TALK YET! YOU MORON!

**Jareth** Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)  
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)  
Put that baby spell on me

**Sarah** Boy, is this song repetitive….

**Jareth** Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)  
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)  
Put that magic jump on me  
Slap that baby, make him free

**Sarah** You lay one finger on my baby brother and I'll personally see to it so that you're scalped. In a very painful way.

**Jareth** (Singing in a very paniced tone) I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try  
What could I do

**Sarah **Trying to do what? This song barely rhymes and doesn't even make sense…what a load or rubbish.

**Jareth** My baby's fun had gone  
And left my baby blue

**Sarah** Probably the reason he was so upset was because you kept singing weird songs at him and comparing him to a Goblin!

**Jareth** Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use

**Sarah** Ok I have had enough of this. This song has clearly gone on long enough. I get the idea, you like dancing. And wearing tights. Can we please carry on with the movie now?

**Jareth** But-but-I didn't even get to the grand finale.

**Sarah** (Sighs) Ok, skip to the last verse.

**Jareth **(starts singing enthusiastically) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)  
Jump magic, jump  
Put that magic jump on me  
Slap that baby

**Sarah **(Through gritted teeth) I have already warned you about that.

**Jareth** Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)  
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)  
Dance magic  
Slap that slap that baby make him free

Jareth walks over to Toby, picks him up and tosses him in the air (scarily high) whilst singing.

**Sarah** That's it, I've had enough. First you threaten to slap my brother, now you try to squash him. You're going down!

Sarah rugby tackles Jareth to the floor (don't worry, the Goblin caught Toby) and starts pulling his hair, causing him to squeal like a girl.

**Sarah** And another thing! That song was rubbish. Even Toby could write a better one. Or at least gurgle a better one.

**Jareth** I'd like to see you do a better one!

**Sarah** Fine! I will. Cue the music. Go to the chorus.

A large group of female backing singers conveniently pop up out of thin air, all wearing tights and a cape similar to that of Jareths in the opening sequence.

(Ok, this is the verse they are singing, I have tried to make the words fit the song. Here it is:

**Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)  
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)  
Put that magic jump on me  
Slap that baby, make him free**

I am sorry if you don't like my version…I tried my best.)

**Sarah **(singing to the tune of Magic Dance) Dance Jareth, dance

**Backing singers** Prance Jareth Prance!

**Sarah** Dance in those pants!

**Backing singers** We love his pants.

**Sarah**: Put that Jareth trance on me,

Move your body, 1, 2, 3!

**Jareth** In my case, I think you mean very good-looking body.

Jareth preens his mullet fondly whilst the Backing singers drool over him.

**Sarah**You do know you just ruined my whole song there! I was doing great as well…

**Jareth** Oh please! You weren't even dancing well. You have to do it like this…

Jareth starts demonstrating his supreme dancing skills, all of the backing singers gawping at him and muttering to themselves about how they wish they could dance like that etc…

**One of the backing singers** Would I be able to have a lock of your hair?

**Other backing singer** Also, where did you buy those wonderful tights? I'm thinking of buying some like that….

**Sarah** Oh please. I'm going to go back to the Maze. Anything must be better than this.

**Jareth** Close the door on your way out!

**Sarah** (Grumbling to herself) I though he was supposed to be in love with me? Stupid flirty backing singers….I hope they fall into an oubliette. Or even better, the bog of eternal stench. I bet Jareth wouldn't want to talk to them then!

And so, Sarah returned to the Labyrinth moaning about how "It's not fair" and her usual moany complaints, all in an effort to hide her obvious jealousy.

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Feel free to review me i.e. pretty pretty pretty please review me. If you don't, I'll hunt you down and give you a mullet. (Joking, I wouldn't hunt you down. I'd get someone else too.) Leave all comments etc, constructive criticism and ideas of what to do next. 

Author notes:

Becka Boo: I'm glad it made you laugh. Even if you are weird… Just kidding. I hope you like this chapter as much as the other one!

Gi Xian: Thanks for sticking up for me. You are too nice! This chapter, I thought was better. Hopefully you've love it as much as the other one! Sorry for not reviewing your story recently...I hang my head in shame.

Dreaming Mouse: Well done for pointing out the spelling mistake. I never seem to be able to spot them in my own work….hopefully there aren't too many in this chapter.

Moonjava: You thought it was funny? Yay! That was the aim. I am trying to write more funny stories. Do you like this chapter as well?

RilkaGreenRider: Nice to know I'm not the only one who thought those lyrics were weird…I still don't understand them. Poor strange Jareth and his weird lyrics.

Layla Wendel: Thank you for reviewing! You are lovely. I'll try to get round to reviewing some of your stories too.

ItsACrystalNothingMore: Here is another labyrinth song for you! Did it live up to your expectations? I'm surprised you found the other chapter so funny…I didn't think it was that good.

Luverofsong: Thank you for complimenting my work. It is very nice of you to take the time. Heres the next chapter!

Molko-surprises-me: Hee hee! I wish I had been there. I can't believe it actually made you laugh out loud! YAY FOR ME! I hope this chapter makes you laugh out loud too.

anny180: You must be very witty to have been thinking those comments then…Just joking. Thanks for reviewing! Here's another chapter for you.

PrinceJoker: I am only insulting him in fun. I really do love Jareth! He is great. And his outfits are so cool….. I just thought the comments were funny.

Ari Mizuko: Oh you! You're making me blush with pride. You are too complimentary. Thanks for saying its great!

Gothhippie13: How do I know you're not a performing monkey? You could just be a very clever one who has learnt how to access the Internet.

LadyAniviel: Sigh, if only I could come up with funny comebacks in real life. I am, sadly, only usually writing down funny. Anyhows, thanks for the compliments!

The Fideal: I did have fun writing this chapter! Even though it is currently very late at night and I should be in bed… anyhows, I'm pleased you enjoyed the story so much.

AmandaTheVampireLover: You cant believe how surprised I am that you have reviewed! You are sort of like the L.J.Smith of fanfiction. A great mysterious writer who no one ever knows much about. Thank you so much for your review! It was what inspired me to write this chapter. P.S Sorry if I sound like a weirdo but in truth I am one.


	3. As The World Falls Down

Hello all! I hope you guys like this chapter. I reckon it's the final one in the Damn you Jareth series. Any comments etc, would be appreciated.

**Disclaimer**: Nothing belongs to me BLAH BLAH BLAH. If you try and sue me for copyright laws I'll get Jareth to throw you into the bog of eternal stench. So there.

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After eating the peach, Sarah sort of passes out and starts hallucinating. She finds herself in a beautiful white (and sparkly) dress in the middle and what appears to be a Masked Ball. A mysterious, yet strangely familiar, voice starts singing eerily.

_There's such a sad love deep in your eye_s

**Sarah **Love? You think I love you? Oh please! The mullet must be going to your head. What an ego!

Jareth glares at Sarah from where he is hiding behind one of the dances then continues to sing

_A kind of pale jewel  
Open and closed within your eyes  
I'll place the sky within your eyes_

**Sarah **Ouch! Putting the sky in my eyes? Sounds painful. Also, wouldn't I then have blue eyes? I'm perfectly happy with my brown eyes thank you!

_There's such a fooled heart  
Beating so fast in search of new dreams_

**Sarah **(Ignoring Jareth and looks around. Suddenly notices the dress she is wearing and smiles at everyone smugly) WOW! Have you guys seen my dress? Isn't it just to die for? No wonder you're in love with me! I look so hot…

_A love that will last within your heart  
I'll place the moon within your heart_

**Sarah **Again, this sounds painful. Putting a moon in one of my organs? Not a good idea.

_As the pain sweeps through  
Makes no sense for you_

**Sarah **Of course it makes sense! Wouldn't you be in pain if people go around threatening to put moons in your organs?

_Every thrill has gone  
Wasn't too much fun at all_

**Sarah **You got that right! Who in their right mind would find falling into oubliettes and crossing over bogs fun?

_But I'll be there for you-oo-oo_

**Sarah **Only to try and annoy me some more!

_As the world falls down_

Sarah starts looking around in the crowd for Jareth, hoping to be able to insult him to his face. One of the dancers sticks out a leg, tripping Sarah up so that she falls flat on her face.

_Falling  
(As the world) Falling down_

**Sarah **(very sarcastically) Oh haa haa very funny. Lets all laugh at Sarah just because some jerk tripped her up. How hilarious…not.

_Falling in love_

**Sarah **I guess you could say I fell head over heels (Laughs hysterically at her own very bad pun)

_I'll paint you mornings of gold_

**Sarah **Don't think you can compliment your way back into my good books!

_I'll spin you Valentine evenings_

**Sarah **How the heck are you supposed to "spin" evenings?

_Though we're strangers till now_

**Sarah **Thank goodness for that! I've only known you for a couple of hours and already I'm sick of you. I couldn't stand having to have known you for any longer than that.

_We're choosing the path between the stars  
I'll leave my love between the stars_

**Sarah **Who's your love? Hoggle? (Sniggers to herself at her hilariousness)

**Jareth **No you idiot it's you! I've devoted this whole love song to you.

**Sarah **It's supposed to be a love song?

**Jareth **All I get from you is abuse! After all I've done for you.

**Sarah **You've done something for me? Everything you do is for yourself!

**Jareth **I don't have to stand for this.

**Sarah **Oh please! If you want someone to worship you go back to the Jareth Dance backing singers. I'm sure they'd be eager to tend to your bruised ego.

Sarah storms off in a bad mood, grabs a chair and smashes against the side of the crystal ball walls. The illusion shattered and Sarah began falling through the air.

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** Author Note:**

Gi Xian: Thanks! I'm glad you liked the other chapter. I hope this one lives up to your expectations. And when are you going to write some more stories? It seems like forever since you've done any!

usrrcr: Sorry it took so long for me to post this chapter. I hope you reckon this ones funny too!

El Loop: Are you back from Haggis Land yet? If so, YAY! And also try and read my other story! The one called "Kiss myself goodbye". There's a person in it who I stole bits of your personality for. I hope you don't mind. She is not really like you. If you do mind, I'll just make you an even horribler character. So there.

Xxx13 o'clockxxX: WHy a rubber haddock? I'm sure a real one would be much more effective! Plus, it'd make my hair smell.

Casseeinamirror: I'm glad you liked the rugby tackling! Nothing like senseless violence to create some comedy. Thanks alot for the review and I hope this chapters as funny. I reckon the second chapter of the series is my favourite though.


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